Friday, November 16, 2007

The unofficial press release about Mark


Communications Director/Campaign Director/Whatever-He-Did Decides He Should Be The Lord of His Own Estate

SOMERVILLE—The long-term well-known communications executive of Farm Aid, best remembered by the public for his genial quotes and striking image reminiscent of a young Paul Newman, was lured to a better position by a crock-pot of $20 million. Smith leaves Farm Aid after a seven year term, headed for greener pastures.

The new position for Smith remains undefined, and that’s just the way he likes it. “I’ll be freer to do whatever I want,” said Smith with the typical grin. Smith’s full resume, which probably was not disclosed to his new employer, includes many illustrious positions, most notably lingerie salesman, dolphin corpse sorter, baby saver and gym teacher to the deaf.

Smith leaves behind a pristine office space (a miracle!) and a stack of press releases and board communiqu├ęs. Farm Aid staff offered accolades upon his leaving, while privately they disclosed additional information that might lead his new employer to wonder what in the heck they’ve gotten themselves into.

Jen Fahy had this to say about Mark’s leaving: “Well, lunch time will be a lot quieter; less groaning and ‘mmmmms.’ Actually, everything will be a lot quieter without Mark’s terrible repertoire of songs from decades long ago--you know, the ones that get stuck in your head for weeks on end and torture you? With Mark will go the dehydrated-fruit-science-projects-cum-art-installations and, hopefully, the immense fruit fly colony he’s fostered. Really, Mark will leave a hole in this office that may never be filled (God willing).”

Joel Morton, FA’s hotline guy, said, "We're all sad to see Mark go. Who else but Mark would whistle the theme from Love Story five or six times a day? He's like one of the seven dwarfs, whistling while he works all the time. It's beautiful." Morton added ruefullly, "I guess I'll have to wait for Mr. Myth to call the &#!%-ing hotline to get him to go out for a beer with me."

Laura Freden will miss his early morning calls for a ride to work and regular mispronunciations of her name. While she is sad to see him go, she also has a scheming eye towards that recently scrubbed office.

There is now also a huge gaping hole where his human garbage disposal used to lie, ie his mouth and stomach. The remaining courageous and pioneering (but feeling very left behind) Farm Aid staffers fear the unsolvable problem of how the heck are we ever gonna dispose of all the garbage Mark would eat for us. Innovative Farm Aid staffers recommend that we build our own composting worm CAFO (Confined Animal Feeding Operation; see “Factory Farm”).

The remaining Farm Aid staff will be upping the dog visits to the office to serve as a salve for our withdrawals. Unbeknownst to Mark, the staff has been recording his “OH LORD’s” and “How’s it going’s” and will be publishing a limited edition mp3 collection for future “quiet days” at the office.

Ed Benz, Farm Aid’s IRA advisor, hopes that Mark will continue his dire predictions of the end of the world and frequent phone calls asking if now is the right time to pull his money out of his accounts and put it in a coffee can to be buried in an undisclosed location in the backwoods of Maine (“Ya cahn’t get thahre, from hahre.”).

The drivers, cyclists, and pedestrians of Somerville are just relieved that Mark, on four wheels or two, will no longer terrorize their streets with his unique driving skills.

Mark Smith’s mission is to build a vibrant wood-stove centered system of leisure in Roslindale. Mark Smith’s hobbies include embarrassing his kids, stealing firewood, atomizing capitalism, and enjoying burritos. He truly is one of a kind.


1 comment:

  1. Stephen D. Raich3:46 PM

    Guilty here - of having lured Mark to our organization, the Mary M. B. Wakefield Charitable Trust. We were shocked (perhaps not surprised) that Mark disclosed all of his peripheral responsibilities (dolphins, etc.) other than the lingerie part. We hope that he does not put one of those rotating clothes lines up at our entrance to display all of his tested / rejected merchandise. As to the disposal aspects of his career, it is likely that his skills in this area will be put to good use in his new position. Our expectation, however, is that "garbage in" will not necessarily produce the converse :- )

    On behalf of all of the Trustees, we wish you all well. We hope that Mark will be able to continue support for your organization as he helps us develop our programs over the next several years.

    Thank you,
    Stephen D. Raich